Archive for the 'Random' Category

02
Feb
10

I got a thirst for liquid gold.

Hello good internet, It’s been a long time. Today is the first tuesday of February. A good day. You know why? Groundhogs. OH YEAH.

Oh hells yeah. Look at that sumbitch. He’s got all the where withal of a young James Brolin with the fortitude of an aged Edward James Olmos. According to American folk legend groundhogs can predict the weather, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end in six weeks. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue. It’s a dangerous game the groundhog plays, if he continues with winter he regains his home but is ostracized from society as a menace, a doomsayer. If winter ends he’s accepted into the budding world but loses his home. Theres no good choice for our friend the groundhog, in fact I’ve come to pity the fellow.

Now you may say, “but Breedo, you suave sexy beast…how can you pity that which wrought its own fate.” and I will say to you that wrought is a very tough word for someone with your usually limited vocabulary you may wish to take it down a notch, but do not dismay I’ll explain. Groundhogs don’t choose their fate, much like firemen or jet pilots they are thrust into the limelight by the hierarchy of modern society. Groundhogs are born for one purpose…to predict the weather. If you were taught from birth to…I dunno…make delicious cheese…and for one day a year the entire world burst into your home and demanded your greatest cheese than you’d probably be a little perturbed. Imagine then that you are a groundhog. How can you share your knowledge of the weather when in one paw you damn those who seek knowledge but in the other you damn yourself. The ramifications of such a task are staggering.

Now some believe it doesn’t fall on all groundhogs but in fact one single immortal groundhog soothsayer named Punxsutawney Phil. Normally I’m not one to bring science into casual conversation but this is an exception. An average wild groundhog doesn’t survive past one year of age. One year. Thats like 12 months. Even taking into account wild groundhogs caught in pokeballs thats still only 10 years at best. How are we to believe that theres a specific groundhog who has transcended the 4th dimension and controls time. We can’t. Instead a rogue faction of folklore experts believe that Phil is in fact a title. Much like the Dalai Lama, groundhogs pass on their beliefs in a deeply spiritual rite of passage. From my research I would suggest there have been at least 98 different Punxsatawney Phils, with even more likely.

So let’s piece it all together. Groundhogs have an esoteric religious society that runs solely on the belief that the weather can not only be predicted but controlled. No Punxsutawney Phil has had the explicit ability to control the weather but each has had a staggeringly accurate ability to predict it. Should a rogue Phil ever use his powers for the destruction of mankind the government has several safety protocols in place:

– The current Phil is only allowed from his den twice a year. Once on the second of February to predict the weather and once on his estranged daughter’s birthday. He still gets her coloring books even though shes in her teens. She still loves him though.

– The den of the current Phil is an embassy on United States soil. The Phil is protected from “man” law but still must conform to the (in some ways stricter) rodent law. No son of man may step upon land considered sacred by the son of ground.

– Should a national crises emerge Phil may be allocated to help. This has only happened twice in the history of the United States, the first being the end of the Great Depression and the second being the outcome of the Grammy awards in which the band Milli Vanilli was found lip syncing.

– The current Phil has a seat on the United States Senate.

These are the ordinances set in place during the tenure of President James Madison. They have lasted the test of time and continue to this day to keep the peace between man and rodent. Should any of these rules be broken catastrophe certainly looms so I hope, that for today…and all future Groundhog Days…a peaceful union between the two species remains.

Breedo will sing, sing, sing to the masses…Oh Heartland, up yours!

Advertisements
23
Sep
09

Haiku Time!

Tarnot of the Wayward Bucket (oooh fancy) and I were discussing haikus for a class he’s taking. While reading his I realized the world needs more Magneto poetry so we came up with a few.

Bushido Gnome: red shining godking /electricity eyes glare / i break for shelter

timedingo: hahahaha

timedingo: the steel flows like wine. / swirling in clouds around you, / hell-bent to conquer
Bushido Gnome: the last line

Bushido Gnome: needs to be

Bushido Gnome: All hail Magneto

Bushido Gnome: torn apart like bread, /buildings collapse in his stead, /the tyrant in red
Bushido Gnome: this one called the blob,/ eats and eats and eats and eats, /may nothing sate him?
Bushido Gnome: mike ate the pizza,/ i paid for it why would he?/  cowabunga…dude 😦

timedingo: how many syllables are emoticons

Bushido Gnome: i dunno

Bushido Gnome: i was hoping none

timedingo: hahahahahaha

timedingo: god that ending is hilarious

I’m going to be pretty busy this weekend, what with going to a PROTOMEN CD RELEASE CONCERT ON FRIDAY, and a UK Football game on Saturday.  I’m not sure when my next update will be, we’ll just have to feel it out. Until then bust it like a king and go down like a hero.  You feel me?

Breedo knows poetry like the back of his hand.

22
Jul
09

Quiktops…or How one invention can save mankind.

The other day while viewing the magical looky box I discovered a commercial for a certain product. I couldn’t find the exact advertisement, to my dismay…but I did come close. But for the grace of god go I:

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? ~Stanislaw J. Lec

The Modern Gentleman’s Quiktop is quite possibly the greatest invention in the history of mankind. It will change your life. How often have you been devastated at your own lack of coordination as a beverage plummets from your hand, its innards splashed across your most precious of Oriental rugs? No more declares Quiktop. No more shall we be bound by the cruel hand of gravity, snatching our sodas from us in our time of thirst only to thrust them upon the ground in an act of childish defiance. Gravity is jealous of us, our astronauts, our pilots, our sculptors. We’ve escaped it’s talons and now it seeks vengeance with its brother in arms…the canned beverage.

Canned drinks have been at war with mankind since their inception in the early 1970s. When Richard Nixon accidentally spilled a can of water onto the carpet of his hotel room the ramifications lead directly to his resignation as president. Watergate, as it were, began with one spilled can…if only there had been Quiktop. Researched in highly classified labs by leading geneticists, engineers, plastic barons, magicians, and a single dog groomer, Quiktop is a specialized tool built to save mankind.

globalchaos

Not usually known for my graph humor.

Some marvel at the ingeniousness of it, the simplistic design coupled with the blatant audacity it takes to build such a device. Others say it wasn’t so much as crafted but born, brought upon us by knowledge from the stars…not yet fully understood but a natural progression realized for the good of mankind. Holding a Quiktop in the palm of your hand, placing it upon a can…that must be what life is for.

Quiktops values are understanding and natural. Once you’ve used it, there is no reason to live without it…to even consider living without it would be akin to blasphemy. Quiktop delivers upon us a basic but neccessary list of uses detailed below:

  • There shall be no spill. This is priority one, when using a Quiktop you are no longer bound by the laws of physics for liquids and solids. The very rules of existence bend before you as malleable play-doh in a child’s toy box…that has not been left out.
  • There shall be no flat. Much like Columbus, the Quiktop believes the world is not flat and thus beverages must conform. No more shall we put our lips upon cold steel to taste the terrible carbonless liquid shame that is a flat cola.
  • There shall be flies or wasps. Bugs are a blight on the backs of drink consumers everywhere. With the Quiktop they can no longer reign free to terrorize your tasty fluids, they are in check. If the Quiktop can bend the laws of physics it can also bend the rules of space, giving your beverage a safe haven from the terrible world it inhabits.
  • There shall be only convenience. The Quiktop must never come between the consumer and the beverage, this is the golden law. If you wish to use a sipping utensil then by all means the Quiktop will provide. It may even, if you require, deliver the contents of the can upon you by opening it should your hands be too tired from worshiping it.

The Quiktop is a monumental life-changing device that must be welcomed with open cans. We cannot afford to pass up this opportunity as a society. I wish to bestow upon you a final thought, no, a dream. I dream of a world where no libation is subdued, no beverage is vanquished. Only thirst may be quenched, the drinks must never be. This is a dream we are capable of realizing, a land free of the hapless monkey gravity gnawing at our feet, and his tormenting brother thirst clawing at our throats. In a world of Quiktop…in the perfect world…we may all be free, we may all…fly.

Breedo is waiting for the Quiktop movie starring Nicholas Cage.

15
Jun
09

Happy accidents.

If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him. – Voltaire

Within the troves and burrows of the internet I have come uponst the greatest of streams, a stream so revolutionarily awesome I don’t think I can ever turn it off.

http://www.livestream.com/streamross

bob-ross

Bob Ross was and is a painting legend star of The Joy of Painting and now his entire series is streaming online 24/7. It’s like finding out theres a free chocolate fountain in your basement that is magically replenished forever, or at least until your power/router goes out. Mr. Ross is a hero of mine and if you don’t know why, it’s time you find out.

 

Picard and Folkhero are synonymous in my book.

Picard and Folkhero are synonymous in my book.

Bob Ross is a Folk Hero

I imagine watching Bob Ross paint is like watching John Henry plant the spikes of the railroad with a mighty swing, Bob’s brush his hammer, the canvas his road. They both have a magical, more myth than man quality about them except that Bob Ross was in fact real. Bob creates joy in all that he touches and molds beauty from nothing, like a wizard. Bob Ross is a wizard. He uses the power of friendship and happiness to draw glory, created from his own perception. Mr. Ross’ perception is quite possibly his greatest folk power. He takes an empty canvas and creates the most intricately detailed landscape scenes in 22 minutes or less . Nothing ever appears out of place, as if everything was already there when he finishes, but that’s the power of his folk magic, he knows where its going to be already. His planning ability is unrivaled as not only does he know where it all will be, it always looks great and is finished in 22 minutes. Bob Ross does not fear the hands of the clock, Bob Ross shall always overcome.

Also like a folk hero he teaches us something. Of course the obvious teachings of the Joy of Painting are…paintsmithing…but that’s not what he’s really teaching. No, Bob Ross teaches you about life, about adversity, about fear and death and joy and god. Bob Ross is a giving man. He wants you to learn that there is always room to be happy and anyone who disagrees with him should be shot.

 

 

In a mad world only the mad are sane.

In a mad world only the mad are sane.

Bob Ross could be insane

When viewing TJoP for the first time you may notice that Mr. Ross is in a completely empty room besides his easel, his paint, and his canvas. He stands in a void with but you the audience and a bleak canvas of white, a direct contrast to the world he inhabits. Bob then takes the only thing at his disposal, his only tool against the darkness, his paints, to create a new world, one he may escape to. Bob Ross broadcasts his entire shows run from the darkest depths of the human soul, an empty vacuum of space void of any life…but Bob finds life there. He not only finds it, Bob creates it.

Bob feels the darkness looming around him and reaches out to the audience for help. He requests that you bring joy to this world with him, this bleak dark space so that he may be happy again. Every episode starts the same, with a sad canvas and an empty room but as he finishes he has created a window to a new life, a world he may never traverse to. It is sad to think that Bob tries to create these wonderful places and keep them happy and calm, but may never visit them as he is trapped within his dark prison.

I suspect that in one episode the camera may be panned and we see a vision of the audience, ourselves, and it be either a mirror or an inanimate object like a cactus, that he has grown accustomed to talking to, akin to Wilson from Castaway. The mirror would symbolize that he is truly alone and he knows it, but fears without someone to talk to he may never find safety. The inanimate object would be worse, as he would truly believe to be teaching something that is in all aspects is unteachable. We are all Bob Ross’ silent cactus, unable to react to the beauty he creates as quietly we must gaze.

 

tip_hat

Bob Ross was a nice man

The whole point of TJoP is that you are to learn to paint like Bob Ross. No one in their right mind actually thinks they can do this however. The man creates mountains from nothing, he makes colors bend to his very essence and tears the sun from the sky as he places it upon his canvas, all in 22 minutes or less. These things never happen out of torment or anger, instead Bob wields his folk powers in such a way that the sun wants to be in his picture, the mountains would love to join his canvas, the clouds would literally die for him. He does this with his gentle nature and a happy word. He may or may not truly believe that he can help you paint, it truly doesn’t matter to him, as long as he knows he can help someone.

His soothing voice is never demanding, its always inquisitive. How bright do you want the sky? How tall do you want the tree? It’s always between you and the tree, and no matter what you choose the tree will be happy, and thus so should you. There are no mistakes, only happy accidents. Bob Ross never judges anyone, it is not his place to judge. He considers himself no better than anyone else but in fact that just makes him more better, maybe the best of all. 

Now you may understand why I’ll probably be watching this stream for months to come as there is quite nothing better than Bob Ross’ Joy of Painting to soothe the soul. I hope you may join me, as Bob would have wanted it that way.

 

 


20
May
09

E3, sometimes the turtle beats the hare?

I haven’t posted in a bit so I figured we were due for somethin’ but really I don’t have anything specific to write about this time. I’ve been spending the last week gettin’ jazzed up for a wedding, playing Prince of Persia for 360 and fist bumping important people. Also like everyone else I saw Star Trek last week and must say it lived up to every expectation I had for it, especially Bones who was the best part. They definitely set a great footing to continue a new franchise series so I’m looking forward to that.

If there is one thing I’ll mention in this post I’d say it’s that for once I’m looking forward to E3. Usually theres much better lookin’ stuff coming up later in the year especially when my personal favorite Blizzcon isn’t until August and the Penny Arcade Expo has thoroughly stomped E3 in the past. This year could be different though as the hype is apparently working and I have a few things I definitely want to look out for.

The major one is of course Hideo Kojima’s announcement which has a sweet countdown site to tag along with it: http://www.konami.jp/kojima_pro/next/?ref=koji_pro_e

Of course we’re supposed to think it’s Metal Gear Solid 5 and I can only hope. Some people on these here internets have pointed out that it’s set to end during Microsofts press conference at E3 which could be a hint of something as well.

All I know is if Kojima is behind it, it’ll be great. It could be a pinball game but by Thor it’ll be the greatest pinball game you’ve ever played. I can’t say that I’ll automatically be disappointed if its not MGS 5 though, but dammit if it’s not you’re playing with my poor nanobot lovin, snake steerin’, gear stompin’ heart. Although I guess Pinball Siege: Death of the World Patriots could be just as good.

 

Another big announcement is coming from the Team Ico people who are making a new game for the PS3. Considering I don’t have a PS3 I can’t get THAT excited about this one but I can always hold John at knifepoint and force him to let me play his…you know a usual Saturday. “Hey, how are you enjoying THRICO?” “NOT VERY MUCH.” NE Ways (what the hell spellchecker thats not an infraction?) this here video is apparently footage from the new game which looks pretty epic if its the truth. If not consider me an evil rumormonger wandering the plagued woods selling cherries to the gullible townsfolk.

 

Another keypoint of the E3 experience for me is always what Square is doing. Most of the time it’s pretty mundane and really you don’t learn anything but sometiiiiimes they throw a curve ball at you like last years “biggest news of E3” that Final Fantasy 13 is going to the 360. This is tremendous news for me as I mentioned earlier I don’t have a ps3 and my good friend John does not enjoy roleplaying games unless theres space or hookers or spacehookers. Now that I think about it that probably goes for anything he enjoys but regardless I won’t have to hold him captive as he watches me slay faeries and ride dragons…or the other way around however it goes these days.

I have no idea what they have planned, probably a solid release date for FF13 in Japan or something, which would be pretty rad because we all know the formula for American Release dates:
J + (tt x F)(K+V)/E
Where J is the amount of time it takes to come out in Japan, tt is the time it takes to translate, F is the amount of fans you have for the game, K is the amount of seals killed per year in the arctic, V is the voice acting talent level and E is the amount of employees working on it.
So once we know that we’ll be in business. Either that or maybe a FF7 remake for 360 announcement. Please.

 

You know what else I like doing? Killin zombones. You know what game is gonna let me do just that…in a giant hamster ball? Dead Rising 2. Capcom is going to be highlighting some new information at their conference about it and I cannot wait. So far we’ve seen a dude who looks sorta like Jack Bauer going around Vegas on a motorcycle, wheelie-ing over the hordes of undead with reckless abandon.

FOURTEEN RED ZOMBIE COP

FOURTEEN RED ZOMBIE COP

I think that picture alone is probably going to lead me to attaining this game as quickly as possible. There’s not many things I always wanted to do in my life but one of them is crushing a zombie cop with a roulette wheel. Dreams can come true. Hey…thats not a bad idea for a post, “Things I want to do in my lifetime”, maybe I’ll work on that one for next time.

You know for a post I went in with nothing to talk about I came out pretty strong. I just Rachel Alexandra’d this bitch.