13
Jun
10

There Will Be Cataclysm.

I offer you my submission to the guild beta contest for Cataclysm…unabridged! (PS if you’re the fine person that read this and came here from Blizzard I baked you a tasty cookie bouquet!)

It's paladin themed!

Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our Azeroth to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new instance was coming in at Icecrown Citadel and I had to see about it. That raid is now flowing at two thousand epics and it’s paying me an income of five thousand gearscore a week. I have two others on lockout and I have sixteen alting at Trial of the Grand Crusader. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m a raid man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but feral in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to kill your mans, maybe one in twenty will be raidmen; the rest will be casuals-that’s men trying to get between you and the raiders-to get some of the feedback that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has feedback, and means to raid, he’ll maybe know nothing about healing and he’ll have to find out the strat on the internets, and then you’re depending on a raider that’s trying to zerg the encounter through so he can get leet purples just as sloppy as he can. This is… the way that this works.

Surely you inquire, “What is your offer? We’re wasting time.”

I do my own raiding and the men that kill for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be online and see to their buffs. I don’t delete DBM and spend hours googling for the newest version. I don’t botch the pull and let the tanks get parry-gibbed and ruin the whole attempt. I’m a friendly man- I run a friendly raid. This is my officer and my heal captain, Zangetsu.
[indicates Zangetsu]
We offer you the bring the player not the class that very few randoms can understand. I’m fixed like no other raid in this game and that’s because my ready check was good. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can stuff a fish feast into my “Gigantique” Bag and have it here in an afk bio. I have a cable connection so I can get the patches for the client; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start raiding and put up the feedback to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

Plainview: Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it’s paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m an oil man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your lots, maybe one in twenty will be oilmen; the rest will be speculators-that’s men trying to get between you and the oilmen-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has money, and means to drill, he’ll maybe know nothing about drilling and he’ll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you’re depending on a contractor that’s trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is… the way that this works.

Man: What is your offer? We’re wasting time.
Plainview: I do my own drilling and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. I don’t lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them; I don’t botch the cementing off and let water in the hole and ruin the whole lease. I’m a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Plainview.
[indicates H.W]
Plainview: We offer you the bond of family that very few oilmen can understand. I’m fixed like no other company in this field and that’s because my Coyote Hills well has just come in. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can load a rig onto trucks and have them here in a week. I have business connections so I can get the lumber for the derrick; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start drilling and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

Breedo is particularly proud of the line he didn’t change.

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