The other day while viewing the magical looky box I discovered a commercial for a certain product. I couldn’t find the exact advertisement, to my dismay…but I did come close. But for the grace of god go I:
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? ~Stanislaw J. Lec
The Modern Gentleman’s Quiktop is quite possibly the greatest invention in the history of mankind. It will change your life. How often have you been devastated at your own lack of coordination as a beverage plummets from your hand, its innards splashed across your most precious of Oriental rugs? No more declares Quiktop. No more shall we be bound by the cruel hand of gravity, snatching our sodas from us in our time of thirst only to thrust them upon the ground in an act of childish defiance. Gravity is jealous of us, our astronauts, our pilots, our sculptors. We’ve escaped it’s talons and now it seeks vengeance with its brother in arms…the canned beverage.
Canned drinks have been at war with mankind since their inception in the early 1970s. When Richard Nixon accidentally spilled a can of water onto the carpet of his hotel room the ramifications lead directly to his resignation as president. Watergate, as it were, began with one spilled can…if only there had been Quiktop. Researched in highly classified labs by leading geneticists, engineers, plastic barons, magicians, and a single dog groomer, Quiktop is a specialized tool built to save mankind.
Some marvel at the ingeniousness of it, the simplistic design coupled with the blatant audacity it takes to build such a device. Others say it wasn’t so much as crafted but born, brought upon us by knowledge from the stars…not yet fully understood but a natural progression realized for the good of mankind. Holding a Quiktop in the palm of your hand, placing it upon a can…that must be what life is for.
Quiktops values are understanding and natural. Once you’ve used it, there is no reason to live without it…to even consider living without it would be akin to blasphemy. Quiktop delivers upon us a basic but neccessary list of uses detailed below:
- There shall be no spill. This is priority one, when using a Quiktop you are no longer bound by the laws of physics for liquids and solids. The very rules of existence bend before you as malleable play-doh in a child’s toy box…that has not been left out.
- There shall be no flat. Much like Columbus, the Quiktop believes the world is not flat and thus beverages must conform. No more shall we put our lips upon cold steel to taste the terrible carbonless liquid shame that is a flat cola.
- There shall be flies or wasps. Bugs are a blight on the backs of drink consumers everywhere. With the Quiktop they can no longer reign free to terrorize your tasty fluids, they are in check. If the Quiktop can bend the laws of physics it can also bend the rules of space, giving your beverage a safe haven from the terrible world it inhabits.
- There shall be only convenience. The Quiktop must never come between the consumer and the beverage, this is the golden law. If you wish to use a sipping utensil then by all means the Quiktop will provide. It may even, if you require, deliver the contents of the can upon you by opening it should your hands be too tired from worshiping it.
The Quiktop is a monumental life-changing device that must be welcomed with open cans. We cannot afford to pass up this opportunity as a society. I wish to bestow upon you a final thought, no, a dream. I dream of a world where no libation is subdued, no beverage is vanquished. Only thirst may be quenched, the drinks must never be. This is a dream we are capable of realizing, a land free of the hapless monkey gravity gnawing at our feet, and his tormenting brother thirst clawing at our throats. In a world of Quiktop…in the perfect world…we may all be free, we may all…fly.
Breedo is waiting for the Quiktop movie starring Nicholas Cage.