Star Trek XI: Shatner phone home.

Alright so I’m not the biggest Star Trek fan ever.  In fact outside of the original series I haven’t watched many of the others at all.  I’ve seen Picard and the dude from Quantum Leap go at it and while admirable there was only ever one captain…and thats Shatner.  He made fighting space monsters cool…although now that I think on that for a moment it’s probably not the toughest job in the world,  regardless he was a beast but oddly enough I never wondered where did this beast originate?  Was he always the tough and tumble elbow to the chest, kick you in the face badass? Now thanks to JJ Abrams and a huge budget these questions will be answered on May 8th.  Let’s have a look at that trailer shall we?


First off, holy shit.  Theres so much happening in this trailer that I think I may have passed out from excitement.  It’s like they decided to up the ridiculousness to such an extreme level that it can rival any action movie ever made…period.  We open immediately with the Shatner stand-in getting in a fist fight, probably over some spilled bourbon.  It only shows his injuries but we can assume he probably killed 3 or 4 dudes in the scuffle. Then we get a voice over by someone I can only assume is Chief Nastypants, the angriest old guy in Star Fleet.  He tells us of Shatners father who is probably the strongest man ever to wear a starfleet uniform, and I can only guess at the amount of aliens he punched in the mouth. Then he dares Shatner to join Starfleet.  He dares him. Cue some flying cars and a pan of the Academy.

Our boy Kirk then gets a talkin to by Sylar-Spock that he’s gonna wet himself but you can already tell these guys are gonna be the closest bros.  They basically invisible high-five the first time they’re shown together.  So right after the pee threats Spock apparently throws Kirk out of a space ship in the atmosphere for no other reason than it should be scary.  I can’t really think of any reason they’d need to be able to do this in a space situation but fuck it, we got Spock and Kirk flying through the stratosphere screaming about parachutes.  Shatner hits some kinda satellite thing really hard but hes Shatner so he just walks it off and the scene fades out.  Then we see some sorta black hole pyramid ship thing and talks of a distress signal and we catch our first glimpse of Eric Bana playing the new villain Nero. Hold on you need to see this up close…

Just a bit scruffy.

Just a bit scruffy.

Holy fuck.  He looks pissed.  This is probably the only believable person I could see that would give Shatner some trouble.  Look at how refined his cheekbones are, his teeth are probably made of metal they’re so toned.  He’s glaring so hard at any point I’m expecting him to burst out of the screen and punch me in the throat.  That’s a throat punching glare.  Where was that anger when he was playing the Hulk.  I mean I know Hulk was mostly CGI but man you give a glare like that and ain’t nobody gonna make you angry. 

Alright so Nero’s first line is basically “You’re all fucked.” and I’m quite positive I believe him because he FIRES A LASER INTO A PLANET AND BLOWS IT TO DUST. This is like being introduced to a new James Bond villain in which the guy immediately blows up Parliament and pisses all over the queen.  Queenpisser still doesn’t have shit on Nero though, who lives and breathes badass if all accounts in this trailer are correct.

 We get back to the Enterprise which really hadn’t even been introduced yet but I guess they figure if you don’t know that theres going to be an Enterprise in a Star Trek movie you’re a lost cause.  Some guy says they’re now without a captain which isn’t explained either but then we’re treated with a great moment in Starfleet history.  It appears Kirk simply agrees with the guy and then…Sits down in the captains chair.  Even in his early days Kirk had the biggest balls of anyone.  I don’t know exactly what the usual procedure is on a Starfleet vessel but I’m pretty sure there’s a huge chain of command to keep a leader in place in case of emergency, much like the president.  So basically Kirk’s first foray on a starship he takes the captain’s chair immediately when it became vacant and begins commanding as only he can.  

Well after the epic sitting down and subsequent standing up we see Kirk out on some sorta ice planet getting told something about the light and dark side of the force.  I just ignored this part because it reminded me of some other movie until some sort of escape vessel looking thing crashes into an “evil” lookin’ ship setting off an explosion.  I can only hope during this scene in the movie someone jumps in an escape vessel and propels it like a missle to stop an oncoming Eric Bana angry glare stompship.  Either way we get a sweet fireball and some chick on her knees screaming like she just got out of Shawshank. It’s followed by an “epic” montage of Spock hugging some chick, someone laracrofting the side of a rocket and some chick walking down a street with a sky laser off in the distance.

Then we get one of my favorite scenes of the trailer.  One that’s so awesome it doesn’t even need words.  Kirk just looks over at Spock they both stare intently and then we see Kirks hand move a lever to “full blast”.  I know it’s full blast because every space movie ever has that lever and it’s always the same thing.  You know Kirks doing something incredibly dangerous and possibly stupid but Spock in all his logic can’t find anything wrong with it.  Thus from that single scene you know something ridiculous must be chasing them.  I hope its Eric Bana’s ship shooting meteors.

After that we’re treated with Harold from Harold and Kumar roundhouse kicking some robed guys on top of a plateau. Now I know in the original Star Trek the character of Sulu was just there to capitalize off Karate movies and to feed off asian stereotypes.  I’m pretty sure they’re not going to keep that same direction in this film which may seem odd because as a prequel it will mean that Sulu’s character deteriorated over time.  I can only hope they address this in the film, maybe having Nero hit him with some sort of AZNRAY and he immediately starts using chopsticks and saying thank you very much.

Now we’re back to Kirk, climbing some kind of glacier getting berated by Nero who I think is talking about his pops.  You probably don’t want to bad talk Shatners dad, that guy had to have some really manly sperm, but Kirk takes it pretty well.  Then we get to see Uhura, Scotty and Bones for the first time.  This is my only complaint about the trailer.  How can Bones not be more prominent, he was a huge part of the original show.  He Spock and Kirk formed one of the original power trios, with him as the emotion.  Without him we’re left with Spock as the logic and Kirk as the emotion which could work but doesn’t play off the great relationships of the series, which is something I think you’d want to hit with a movie like this. After searching the ol interwebs I did find this clip which does give me some hope though,  Karl Urban is Bones here:

That right there is a pretty solid Bones.  As long as we get more scenes like this I’ll be perfectly happy.


Alright so after that we’re hit with an epic space race with the Enterprise crew screaming about emergencies and evasion and Eric Bana simply screaming “FIRE EVERYTHING!”  Now I’m not sure if he still has the planet destroying super laser but if that’s the case the Enterprise may have bit off more than it can chew.  Regardless Nero appears to get some hits on the starfleet vessel as the ending montage has green rock things slamming into it.  We also get to see Spock get transported and somebody else explode.  Then the title fades in as if you need to be told that yes this is the greatest movie ever made and yes it’s Star Trek.

I don’t know about the rest of you but this trailer is all I needed.  I’ll probably be at this bad boy opening day and I’m not even a trekkie.  Although that may help me enjoy it as being an X-men fan killed Xmen 3 for me but not for others.  Here’s hopin’ they make everyone happy though.  Maybe I’ll post a review after I see it, who knows.


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