13
Jun
10

There Will Be Cataclysm.

I offer you my submission to the guild beta contest for Cataclysm…unabridged! (PS if you’re the fine person that read this and came here from Blizzard I baked you a tasty cookie bouquet!)

It's paladin themed!

Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our Azeroth to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new instance was coming in at Icecrown Citadel and I had to see about it. That raid is now flowing at two thousand epics and it’s paying me an income of five thousand gearscore a week. I have two others on lockout and I have sixteen alting at Trial of the Grand Crusader. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m a raid man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but feral in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to kill your mans, maybe one in twenty will be raidmen; the rest will be casuals-that’s men trying to get between you and the raiders-to get some of the feedback that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has feedback, and means to raid, he’ll maybe know nothing about healing and he’ll have to find out the strat on the internets, and then you’re depending on a raider that’s trying to zerg the encounter through so he can get leet purples just as sloppy as he can. This is… the way that this works.

Surely you inquire, “What is your offer? We’re wasting time.”

I do my own raiding and the men that kill for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be online and see to their buffs. I don’t delete DBM and spend hours googling for the newest version. I don’t botch the pull and let the tanks get parry-gibbed and ruin the whole attempt. I’m a friendly man- I run a friendly raid. This is my officer and my heal captain, Zangetsu.
[indicates Zangetsu]
We offer you the bring the player not the class that very few randoms can understand. I’m fixed like no other raid in this game and that’s because my ready check was good. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can stuff a fish feast into my “Gigantique” Bag and have it here in an afk bio. I have a cable connection so I can get the patches for the client; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start raiding and put up the feedback to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

Plainview: Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it’s paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m an oil man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your lots, maybe one in twenty will be oilmen; the rest will be speculators-that’s men trying to get between you and the oilmen-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has money, and means to drill, he’ll maybe know nothing about drilling and he’ll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you’re depending on a contractor that’s trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is… the way that this works.

Man: What is your offer? We’re wasting time.
Plainview: I do my own drilling and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. I don’t lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them; I don’t botch the cementing off and let water in the hole and ruin the whole lease. I’m a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Plainview.
[indicates H.W]
Plainview: We offer you the bond of family that very few oilmen can understand. I’m fixed like no other company in this field and that’s because my Coyote Hills well has just come in. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can load a rig onto trucks and have them here in a week. I have business connections so I can get the lumber for the derrick; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start drilling and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

Breedo is particularly proud of the line he didn’t change.

19
Apr
10

The Persuasion of Sir Zeliek

This is a short story type dealie I’ve had saved forever and just found. I reworked it a bit and am putting it on the internet for all to see!

The Persuasion of Sir Zeliek

The difference between the others and myself is that I remember everything.  Some were forced to forget, or others never bothered to care in the first place.  They don’t recall what it’s like to taste things, a ripe apple…to smell that but rotting flesh…to feel…warmth.  I alone kept all of those horrible memories and I would give them away in a heartbeat, not that I have one to give, if only to find peace.

He delights in that misery.  The misery only I endure.  Of all His witless creations, His terrible aberrations…I am the only one who is fully of aware of my actions, my horrible deeds, but unable to control myself. I am the only one who wishes to stop.  It is a fine punishment He has wrought upon me and for these years I’ve hoped someone will put an end to it.

They come more frequently now, the adventurers…the heroes, more so than ever before. When the necropolis floated above the plagued land of Lordaeron few made it to our military quarter.   Most that did were quickly slaughtered and reborn into His army, still I scream…someone must. I yell and plead with these foolish mortals to leave our realm and never return. I shout until my voice grows hoarse.  The others find it amusing.  They are so lost now, but I’m afraid if they are lost than I must be as well.

There was a time when it wasn’t like this.  I was free of His grasp.  His hand weighing heavy on my shoulder, this burden of undeath.  This numb feeling I have now, this feeling of emptiness…I am but a husk of my former self.  I was once the son of a granary worker in the village of Corin’s Crossing.  I didn’t have a spectacular childhood, I wasn’t reckless or adventurous.  I lived the simple life of a farmhand’s son.

My father wasn’t a religious man, he believed in the Light but most virtues were lost on him. My mother was that influence. She made sure I read everything she could find about it.  She hoped I would be among the smartest in all of Lordaeron.  I think of her now and where her influence may have lead me, to this place, but I cannot fault her, I am as much to blame. The philosophies and doctrines at that age were so fascinating to me. This was my dream as much as hers and so I began studying at the chapel just outside the town.

The priests there told me of the heroes of the light, men like Leonid Barthalomew and Uther Lightbringer. They were my heroes.  I focused all of my time to the three virtues and eventually found that not only could I see the Light, I could feel it as well.  The priests made me a patron of the chapel at the age of sixteen and I lived a life of relative happiness, bringing the warmth of the Light to as many as I could.

At first the signs of the plague were not apparent…to say we didn’t notice the illness wasn’t completely the case…we saw as it took the land like a fire, but we believed the Light would prevail as it always had. We did not expect a plague.  If only we hadn’t been so arrogant.  We “healed” those we could and sent them as if they had sprained an ankle  back to their families with a smile…and thus condemned them all to death.  I still remember the first to pass on.

A young girl succumbed to the plague in the Redpath farmhouse not far from the Crossing.  She was so calm, but her parents were terrified.  I knew we had to burn the corpse, by now we realized it was more than a simple infection, but I was still in disbelief.  My fellow priests and I laid her small body amongst some golden leaves, said a prayer, and basked her in holy fire.  It was the first time I smelled that horrible aroma. The first time I heard the wails of mourning parents. It was the first time I used the Light to sear flesh, and as I continue to do so I never forget.  I can never forget.

The plague spread quickly after that.  Half of the town went ill, the rest were terrified.  Even the priests weren’t immune.  I prayed to the Light for help, for guidance.  I thought it had come when I heard of the prince’s return.  He brought with Him Uther the Lightbringer, my idol, a man who’s example I based all of my study. We believed they were there to help us, to cure those in need.  When the town of Stratholme caught fire we knew within minutes.  The entire sky was black, covered in the soot of a city.  I never saw either man again, and at the time we knew not why the city burned but the panic was palpable.  We took those that were able to the chapel and held them there, praying for salvation. I do that often now as well, but just as it was then, my prayers remain unanswered. We held out there for nearly two days before they tore the doors off the hinges.

I recognized most of them, held in the agonizing grip of undeath. They were my loved ones, my friends and family.  I didn’t understand what had happened exactly, we just knew they were crazed.  I had to use the holy fire, invoking the Light once more to burn those that were my friends just days before.  We held the chapel for a week before our defense collapsed.  They stormed in and slaughtered anyone in their path, the weakest and youngest were their first targets.  They had no honor, these were mindless killers and fiends…my friends and family.  I could not understand how the Light had allowed this. I called out as they struck me down, I screamed for the Light to help us.

What had we done to deserve this?

I demanded the Light assist me. To make them pay. My life of devotion and respect.  The compassion I based everything on. I didn’t deserve this. We didn’t deserve this. I offered it all just to avenge those that had fallen here, and to my shock, the Light conceded.  A chain of holy energy tore through the monsters, ripping them apart in a bright warmth  I collapsed to my knees, dragging my last breath into my chest.  The hordes filled the room as my legs buckled, the last living man to stand within the Chapel of Light’s Hope.  My eyes closed but I heard a voice, a voice that cracked like broken glass. “Interesting.” it whispered.

I’ve been this way ever since.  I don’t know how they did this to me, or even why. They have managed to trap my body in the state of undeath, the same as the victims of the plague, but have kept me completely cognizant of my situation.  I know exactly what I am.  The others don’t carry this curse. They were brought here in their own ways, the Lady Blaumeux believes she joined willingly, as though someone could actually desire this.  I wonder if that may be her torture.  Could she have been a good person before, who believed herself unwavering in her own life?  Full of confidence that she knows she always made the best decision?  I cannot tell. She keeps her motives to herself, only talking to berate me with her snide comments.

Thane Korth’azz is a different tale completely.  His insatiable lust of battle is something I will never understand.  In my studies of Uther I learned of the dwarf, he was one of the Lightbringer’s strongest and most loyal friends.  After Uther fell, the Thane fell himself or was persuaded to the Scourge on his own accord.  He will not tell me which it is.

I’m under the impression that he may have joined because he no longer had hope. To lose one of his best friends may have sent him into a great depression, and sensing the dwarf’s weakness, He probably took advantage.  The Thane has a bloodlust now that had he it in life he would surely be dead.  He taunts everyone, even the Instructor…which in itself seems suicidal.  I am unsure if he wishes to find someone who can finally kill him, or just to simply continue his battle eternally.

The last member of our cabal was originally a man named Alexandros Mograine. I was there when the pact was made for Mograine’s valorous soul. Alexandros was to be killed by his beloved son’s treachery, with his own sword Ashbringer, which had obliterated thousands of scourge minions. It was a demon of the Burning Crusade who corrupted the boy, but it is my understanding that Renault Mograine was already a weak spirited fool whom only needed a nudge in the wrong direction. Renault murdered his father at the gate of Stratholme leaving the body to Him as was the agreement made between the Lich and the demon.

I know not the specifics of what happened to the son after that, other than his newfound leadership position in the Scarlet Crusade, his father however I do know the sad tale of. I witnessed the Lich torture Alexandros’ soul for days until the righteous paladin finally submitted. His once great sword Ashbringer was corrupted as well and he became the greatest knight in His ranks. Morgaine was made a horseman and joined us in the madness and violence we propagated, however unlike Thane and the Lady, he never showed emotion. Where they showed happiness or excitement his expression remained stoic. It was at times worse to see him massacre as the rage in his eyes was the only hint of any thoughts he may have had.

We ‘lived’, if you can call it that, as this for quite some time keeping a tight grasp on the north of Lordaeron biding our time while He grew an army. There were occasional uprisings and revolts from the mortals but they were easily quelled by the combined might of the Four Horsemen. It was not until He began to make plans to move onto the uncorrupted lands to the south that the adventurers started showing up. So many died to the horrors within the necropolis, few made it to our menagerie and none made it out alive. None minus Mograine’s second son, Darion.

The boy came upon our ranks with the help of an assault force known as the Argent Dawn. We had seen their colors on many that we had murdered and knew they were trying to strike back at us for His war. Darion Mograine’s small group managed to hold us back as he tried to convince his father to stop “this madness” It’s very odd that I understood the boy completely and as much as I wanted to I could not agree with him, I only wish his words had had the effect they had on his father on me as well.

After the Lady and Thane murdered the remainder of the Argent Dawn group, I watched as the elder Mograine hesitated to kill Darion. I yelled for the boy to flee but he stood in defiance of his father, unlike the other child of Alexandros, he was no coward. I expected Mograine to cleave his boy in two and closed my eyes as his blade curved towards his youngest son. I heard no scream and opened them. Alexandros had given Darion the Ashbringer.

“Run boy, run…” Alexandros whispered and Darion turned and fled. He ran unknowingly right into the Masters lair, had the portals been open he may have escaped, but it was not to be. Darion was confronted by the Lich and in another unbelievable act of defiance he split his own chest with his  fathers blade. Immediately, Alexandros screamed, a roar so strong it felt as though the entirety of Naxxramas shook, the first emotion I had seen on his face since he had fallen into undeath. Mograine left us then without a word, turning his back on Him, something I had never before witnessed.

Darion, like Alexandros, was brought into our ranks but instead of becoming a horseman he was deemed a field leader and instructor to newly turned knights of His ranks, a front line general for the coming war. Darion shared the blood of his father, and like his father was able to become the second man to escape Him.

Darion broke free with a group he calls The Knights of Ebon Blade a contingent of death knights who were betrayed by Him and were able to resist His sway and join the mortals war on us. It is not surprising to me that he would find a way to be free, he is a Mograine after all, but it leaves me with dismay to think there are those who have escaped His grasp and yet I have found no way. Am I so far gone that there is nothing left for me but this damnation? Do I not deserve the same freedom?

Darion’s triumph does still give me hope that one day I may escape myself, but to hope now seems so pitiful. I’ve done so much wrong in these years as His knight I do not think there can be redemption in my future.

Alexandros was replaced in our cabal by a man named Rivendare, a former baron of the burned city of Stratholme. He held a station there defending it from fortune seekers and adventurers while we murdered the innocents throughout the countryside. He has informed me on numerous occasions that he was always jealous of our work, all the while smiling at me. I cannot stand that man.

Like the Baron, there are many among the ranks of the floating necropolis I try to avoid. Most of them are unaware of my situation but those that are believe it is important to stress what I’ve become. Beyond Lady Blaumeux, who finds it everyday to remind me of the terrors of my undeath, there is Heigan the Unclean, a horrible man who uses alchemy to build abominations. I do not know what happened to make him like this but in his most recent experiment, a flesh giant powered by electricity, he formed it’s body from the murdered corpses of women and children. I can hear it sometimes wailing for someone to kill it or simply sobbing. I wish that it was within my power to put it out of its misery. Heigan thinks that all suffering is amusing, and wishes it to befall each of his miserable creations.

Heigan knows of my situation and torments me the most because of it, more so than even the Lady. He gains much enjoyment from the pain of others but it’s doubly so to watch me have sympathy for them. He often calls me to his parlor where I must watch his terrible experiments and try not to show the horror in my heart so that he might go easy on them. He never does. If he sees my dismay he tortures them harder and gleefully informs me that he’s got plenty of ideas and an endless amount of innocent souls to test. I can only hope someone stops this fiend before more people get hurt, but I’m afraid I may be past hope.

Hope is why I write these thoughts down. I’m beginning to think that, like the Thane before he was corrupted, I have lost all hope. If I cannot escape His will on my own then I’ve come to realize I must escape it through death. Assuming I can still be killed I ask, no I pray…as ironic as that sounds…that you will send someone to kill me. I have come close, so close to being free of His grasp but He always tightens harder crushing everything I have left. I do not know why he chose me for this torture but I do know that soon I will no longer be able to take it. It may be His hope, odd choice of words I’m aware, that I go insane like the Lady and forget about my previous life, like most of his servants.

I fell smiting my undead loved ones and yet still continue to smite innocents as an undead. Is there no escape for me? Am I fated to remember the smell of the burned flesh of the innocent forever? I tried so hard to be a pious man, a righteous man, is this what I deserve?

No. It cannot be.

It must not be.

This letter contains a pendant with the holy shielding required to survive entry to Naxxramas and the last of my hope, a hope that you can find someone to kill me. Someone strong enough to take on the entirety of the necropolis, all of Naxxramas and finish it forever. He probably knows I have written these thoughts, it probably amuses Him, but they have taken all of my will to find this paper and I feel it is the least I can do. Maybe this can help you defeat us…I can only hope.

A letter to Tirion Fordring, High Commander of the Argent Crusade

02
Feb
10

I got a thirst for liquid gold.

Hello good internet, It’s been a long time. Today is the first tuesday of February. A good day. You know why? Groundhogs. OH YEAH.

Oh hells yeah. Look at that sumbitch. He’s got all the where withal of a young James Brolin with the fortitude of an aged Edward James Olmos. According to American folk legend groundhogs can predict the weather, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end in six weeks. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue. It’s a dangerous game the groundhog plays, if he continues with winter he regains his home but is ostracized from society as a menace, a doomsayer. If winter ends he’s accepted into the budding world but loses his home. Theres no good choice for our friend the groundhog, in fact I’ve come to pity the fellow.

Now you may say, “but Breedo, you suave sexy beast…how can you pity that which wrought its own fate.” and I will say to you that wrought is a very tough word for someone with your usually limited vocabulary you may wish to take it down a notch, but do not dismay I’ll explain. Groundhogs don’t choose their fate, much like firemen or jet pilots they are thrust into the limelight by the hierarchy of modern society. Groundhogs are born for one purpose…to predict the weather. If you were taught from birth to…I dunno…make delicious cheese…and for one day a year the entire world burst into your home and demanded your greatest cheese than you’d probably be a little perturbed. Imagine then that you are a groundhog. How can you share your knowledge of the weather when in one paw you damn those who seek knowledge but in the other you damn yourself. The ramifications of such a task are staggering.

Now some believe it doesn’t fall on all groundhogs but in fact one single immortal groundhog soothsayer named Punxsutawney Phil. Normally I’m not one to bring science into casual conversation but this is an exception. An average wild groundhog doesn’t survive past one year of age. One year. Thats like 12 months. Even taking into account wild groundhogs caught in pokeballs thats still only 10 years at best. How are we to believe that theres a specific groundhog who has transcended the 4th dimension and controls time. We can’t. Instead a rogue faction of folklore experts believe that Phil is in fact a title. Much like the Dalai Lama, groundhogs pass on their beliefs in a deeply spiritual rite of passage. From my research I would suggest there have been at least 98 different Punxsatawney Phils, with even more likely.

So let’s piece it all together. Groundhogs have an esoteric religious society that runs solely on the belief that the weather can not only be predicted but controlled. No Punxsutawney Phil has had the explicit ability to control the weather but each has had a staggeringly accurate ability to predict it. Should a rogue Phil ever use his powers for the destruction of mankind the government has several safety protocols in place:

- The current Phil is only allowed from his den twice a year. Once on the second of February to predict the weather and once on his estranged daughter’s birthday. He still gets her coloring books even though shes in her teens. She still loves him though.

- The den of the current Phil is an embassy on United States soil. The Phil is protected from “man” law but still must conform to the (in some ways stricter) rodent law. No son of man may step upon land considered sacred by the son of ground.

- Should a national crises emerge Phil may be allocated to help. This has only happened twice in the history of the United States, the first being the end of the Great Depression and the second being the outcome of the Grammy awards in which the band Milli Vanilli was found lip syncing.

- The current Phil has a seat on the United States Senate.

These are the ordinances set in place during the tenure of President James Madison. They have lasted the test of time and continue to this day to keep the peace between man and rodent. Should any of these rules be broken catastrophe certainly looms so I hope, that for today…and all future Groundhog Days…a peaceful union between the two species remains.

Breedo will sing, sing, sing to the masses…Oh Heartland, up yours!

06
Dec
09

A dream.

It has been a long time dear internets, a very long time indeed. Everyday I see the icon for Pen Med on my homepage but for some reason I haven’t clicked it in quite some time, recently I just haven’t felt the urge to write anything…but tonight I was feeling different, I wanted to share something…a dream I had.

There was a room with nothing in it but a table, resting atop it was a long cardboard box of dull colors and no words. The table was covered in darkness but the room was relatively well lit, as if the box was in the reverse of a spotlight. I stepped towards it, reached my hand down and casually brushed the top. The colors drifted around the box and the top slid aside like the lid of a coffin. Inside was a folded board and a dozen or so metal trinkets.

The table had around it now four or five figures in heavy black cloaks, their movement stuttered like claymation, jagged and unnatural. I can’t say for sure how many they were because they moved constantly, all at once they were five separate beings and a single amalgamation. Each wore a mask, obscenely white like the comedy and tragedy masks of ancient Greek theater but these masks were as the figures, constantly changing shape and expression, with no face underneath and no eyes to see with.

No lips parted as they spoke in a voice that sounded like mine yet different, “Choose your piece.” I looked down towards the metal baubles but there was now only one, it looked like a bishop from chess. I reached to pick it up, and as I grabbed it the metal was so cold it numbed my fingers. The piece was also much much heavier than it looked, I could barely lift it in one hand. The board then opened on it’s own and my piece pulled my hand and instinctively placed itself on a gray square in the middle. The board itself was surprisingly smaller than it appeared in the box with tiles in haphazard unpredictable paths leading out from the center. The board’s outer edge was shimmering, not like gold more like snow, giving it a majestic beauty.

“Each game begins and ends the same, it’s the play that differs.” echoed my different voice. I looked down and saw each cloaked figure now had a piece on the board but theirs were unidentifiable to me, each looked exactly the same as the other but somehow I knew they were different, and that logic actually made it hurt to see them. There was no wheel to turn, no dice to roll but I knew that my turn was first so I began to move my piece. Each square activated a seemingly random memory that lit the room in vibrant colors, as if the room itself was the memory. It showed an endless blue carpet, a baseball mitt, the cabinet behind the door in the kitchen of my first home and other unremarkable things and moments of my childhood. I stopped moving my piece and the room went back to the neutral it began in.

The figures moved next, each piece across the board on its own, shuddering against the tiles as if each tile’s line was an invisible barrier. No memories played for the shadows, the room only grew darker as each got closer to my piece. The final turn they took actually led one of their pieces two squares behind mine and with each wall it broke my heart pounded harder. I didn’t know why but I knew their pieces must never catch mine. At my next turn I moved again, gliding my freezing bishop across the flat board. The memories came again and they were louder now, if that is something memories can be. I was riding a bike down a hill and into a bush, I was climbing the steps of my great aunt’s house, I was crying they didn’t have peanut butter sandwiches without jelly.

My entire arm was numb when I let go of the piece. The masks were in agony, their faces contorting violently…constantly into exasperated shapes. My piece was now far ahead of theirs but the end wasn’t in sight…in fact I hadn’t noticed until now but the board had no end. The tiles just kept impossibly going. I could see the edge shining against the darkened table but I couldn’t follow any of the trails to their logical conclusions. As the shadows moved their pieces slowly one by one across the squares I grew worried. They were going to catch me, this game has no end.

My turn came again and I decided I would go until I couldn’t go anymore. My piece moved at a much faster pace than I had the two prior turns, the memories blustered through like a steady breeze. I was in second grade praying for hurricane survivors, I was in a spelling bee trying to remember the letters for “transportation”, I was playing Sega Channel at the magical hour when the new games appeared, I was winning a prized slammer. I had to keep going, they must never catch me. Panic took me then, my arm wracked with pain as if being ripped from its socket and it was too much, my piece toppled over as I let it go.

The shadows took their turns delicately moving at a sinister pace. They didn’t seem to be gaining any ground until the final piece moved. It landed a single square behind my overturned bishop. My right arm stinging with pain I decided to go with the left on this turn, forcing my piece forward even faster than before. Memories floated by at such a pace I could no longer separate them. At the same time I ate lunch in 6th grade I was learning to drive in 10th. They became indistinguishable from each other, no longer a breeze but a wave, crashing around the room. The cloaked cratures no longer seemed in pain, their masks were oddly contemplative.

Without my realizing it my hand released the bishop and the color died again. The room seemed even darker than before and the shadows began to move their pieces. The first only made it a few squares, the next two made it six or seven…but I was easily a dozen ahead of the nearest…the last one. That piece shuddered to life on their last turn, sliding against the cracks on the board without a hitch. It closed in to five squares from my piece and began to slow, leaving each square became a trial but the indescribable trinket continued on. It finally got one square behind my piece and stopped abruptly, not from the board’s invisible barriers but obviously, even to me, from the shadow choosing to stop it. I went to speak, for the first time I realized, when my piece was ripped from the board by an ashen hand.

“No one wins at the game of life.” said a chorus of my voice in an echoing whisper. Then before me the charcoal fist crushed my bishop, shattering it into dust. My heart raced and i went to yell out and I awoke, thinking as loudly as I could “I WIN AT LIFE!” I sat up and realizing it was a dream began to laugh hysterically at what I was thinking. Yes…yes I do win at life.

Breedo wins at life.

23
Sep
09

Haiku Time!

Tarnot of the Wayward Bucket (oooh fancy) and I were discussing haikus for a class he’s taking. While reading his I realized the world needs more Magneto poetry so we came up with a few.

Bushido Gnome: red shining godking /electricity eyes glare / i break for shelter

timedingo: hahahaha

timedingo: the steel flows like wine. / swirling in clouds around you, / hell-bent to conquer
Bushido Gnome: the last line

Bushido Gnome: needs to be

Bushido Gnome: All hail Magneto

Bushido Gnome: torn apart like bread, /buildings collapse in his stead, /the tyrant in red
Bushido Gnome: this one called the blob,/ eats and eats and eats and eats, /may nothing sate him?
Bushido Gnome: mike ate the pizza,/ i paid for it why would he?/  cowabunga…dude :(

timedingo: how many syllables are emoticons

Bushido Gnome: i dunno

Bushido Gnome: i was hoping none

timedingo: hahahahahaha

timedingo: god that ending is hilarious

I’m going to be pretty busy this weekend, what with going to a PROTOMEN CD RELEASE CONCERT ON FRIDAY, and a UK Football game on Saturday.  I’m not sure when my next update will be, we’ll just have to feel it out. Until then bust it like a king and go down like a hero.  You feel me?

Breedo knows poetry like the back of his hand.

15
Sep
09

Are you ready for some ball of foot?

Hello there internet, it has been a while. I’ve been neglecting my very important duties as wordsmith and all around hyperspace badass and for that I apologize. In the last few weeks I’ve tried a few new games, learned the ancient language of the Volcano, and eaten a frog. In these next posts I figure I’m gonna just run through the random games I’ve played since we last spoke (shut up im speaking) just so I can continue call myself a “blogger”.

“Hey Breedo what’re you doin’ this fine evenin’” “Oh u no me bro, bloggin’ fo’ sho’.” (If you didn’t know I rhyme at all times in my everyday speech, it gets very hard if I have to ask about a door hinge.)

NCAA 2010: OH SNAPS ITS BOLD TIME TO GET SERIOUS.

NCAA Football. Now with more fire.

NCAA Football. Now with more fire.

Now some of you may know that I enjoy a good game of the American Football. Yes, I’ll put ‘merica in front of it this time because A. ‘Merica always comes front, and B. I know my blog is blangin’ internationally and wish not to confuse my foreign patrons. Cheerio good mates cheerio! Anyways, football to me as a child was never interesting. “Me as a child” didnt like catsup either so we can’t very well trust him anyway, can we? I was always tall for my age and would be asked at times by my elders about sports. “Breedo! How fare thee at thy ball of foot?” they would inquire, “Nay sir I fare not.” would be the solemn answer. “Tis a shame child, ’tis a mighty shame. Thou dost “wreck” thine competition.” Alas it was not to be. At the time I didn’t see the excitement in it, the majesty if you will. But now? Now I behold the majesty in all it’s glory like a half-eaten bacon sandwich warmed under the midday sun.

I got my hands on a copy of NCAA Football 2010 a few days ago. I subsequently played it for a total of 17 hours in a 3 day stretch with my good friend Mr. Peabody. Thats sportsmanship people. Mr. Peabody and I were living out all of our NCAA fantasies…the ones without the cheerleaders anyway…and even got to participate in the first ever Sacred Bowl, the unpalpable university of Kentucky against the esteemed University of Rutgers. This is a game that could happen at some point in the future and if it does I hope that I am there, witnessing it with my own eyes, but for now I must settle on the thousands of pixels grinding against eachother in unregulated bliss, known as the “Play Now” Mode. There’s a lot of different modes in this game, some I haven’t even tried yet, but one did stick out as my favorite…known simply as the Road to Glory. (RTG if you’re into slang. I am.)

RTG is basically pretending I’m in an alternate universe where instead of learning astrophysics and magic, I learned football. You make a “dude” and cover him in all the slimes that you feel necessary to make him yours, much like when you first got a pog as a child and had to “claim” it. We decided to make a Quarterback and see how large he could be. “Lotsa Cox” was born as a 7 foot tall 400 pound QB who went to Rape High High School. Once all that nonsense is taken care of, you get to finish out his high school senior year and try to impress scouts in the state playoffs. We made his hometown in Fayette Kentucky…fancy that…and sent him out.

Lotsa made an immediate impact in his first game throwing 6 touchdowns and winning in a blowout. He mainly did this by audibleling every run play so much so that Rape High didn’t have a single rushing yard. Mr. Peabody and I imagined his coach standing on the sidelines screaming “DAMMIT DIX YOURE A LOOSE CANNON” and then Lotsa would shout back “NAMES COX SIR”, needless to say he only ran around half of his coaches plays. Anyways we made it through the games easily enough stomping all the competition and won the championship. Then Lotsa was presented with the colleges that had offered him a contract, which was literally every school in the game. The neat thing about this is you don’t get to start everywhere though as obviously number one Florida doesn’t need a rookie quarterback so theres accurate depth charts, at least for the 2010 season. We considered going to Florida but decided since Lotsa was our first slime covered football child that we’d keep him home, he went to the University of Kentucky.

OMG ERIN ANDREWS

OMG ERIN ANDREWS

Here’s where I’d like to mention a connecting point of the whole RTC experience. Erin Andrews. The sideline reporter who I guess some people find attractive from the loading screens (PLAY ROAD TO GLORY FOR YOUR CHANCE TO BE FOLLOWED BY ERIN ANDREWS…YES…THE ERIN ANDREWS) I guess she’s pretty enough but that’s not the point I’m heading towards. What we noticed was that throughout your entire career, which is 5 years long mind you, she wears the same clothes in the videos. I understand she can’t wear a completely different outfit in every scene but one for ALL of them? Seriously? Mr. Peabody and I kept expecting her to come on the screen welcome us to the RTG segment and then beg to be freed from her invisible captors, “Please someone help…they’re not feeding me…” and then her producer yells “YOU EAT WHAT YOU KILL” and throws a rabbit on stage. Alright maybe we didn’t expect that exactly but she could have at least worn 3 or 4 different outfits. We probably wouldn’t have even noticed then.

Alright so this is also a good time to mention we changed Lotsa’s name to Breedo Jackson, deciding that as he matured so did his name, plus the other players were making fun of him :(. Breedo was the starting QB for UK so there was no reason to run practices which was great and got us to the games that much quicker. The first game was upon us quickly and it was against a pretty weak opponent. That didn’t stop Breedo from having what we dubbed as “the shakes” however. The shakes happen when your player is nervous or made a mistake, and it’s especially susceptible in happening at an away game. It causes your player to forget button assignments and routes and the controller to vibrate to express his nerves. No big deal we figured, Breedo can handle the pressure of his first ever college game. Well, we weren’t exactly right…his first game was probably his worst, but we did win and the shakes left him alone for the most part after that barring a few tough road games. Speaking of tough games the second start of his career was against number one ranked Florida, who beat us in a 62-64 triple overtime victory. We decided this game was too good to try to replay and left the loss in the books, especially after it awarded us an “Instant Classic” title.

I must stop here and really iterate how much this game felt like a real NCAA game. I was at the UK victory over number one ranked LSU two years ago and it was probably the best “football” experience I’ve taken part in. NCAA 2010 somehow manages to recreate that excellent tension and heavy air with amazing likeliness. Both Mr. Peabody and I thought that it was almost as good as a real game, and he wasn’t even playing.

I ran this play like 60 times, Magnum rarely let me down.

I ran this play like 60 times, Magnum was a glorious man.

So we continued Breedo’s freshman season and didn’t lose another game. He broke numerous school and NCAA records but for some reason still lost the Heisman at the end of the year. Also despite Kentucky’s amazing play in the SEC we never broke in the top 10 in the polls. We considered maybe the game has the bias that the NCAA holds to create more “realism” but I’d hope they’d let you be number one with anyone. I think it had more to do with our team only had two real star players and if Breedo had been injured or something they’d probably lose to any of the top 10 teams. Speaking of that the other star player besides Breedo was his “X” button wide receiver, a man we dubbed as Magnum. Magnum was in the running for the Heisman as well having broken a few records but didn’t win either. We ended up in the Capital One bowl against Michigan and had a very solid overtime victory in it. All in all I’d be happy if Kentucky came anywhere close to this bowl in actuality, so I can’t be discouraged we didn’t make the NCAA Championship or anything.

We did start on the next season and it appears to consider Kentucky a powerhouse now, mainly because Breedo is still on the team. We got some good recruits and were even ranked preseason and as of the last time I played we were 9th in the nation, after only 5~ games.

There are some other game modes we tried out and the same screen multiplayer is a blast but overall the Road to Glory mode was by far my favorite. I would like to try it at other positions, especially those that can’t audible to make the play include more action from them. The best part is that if you aren’t on the field or don’t like the play call you can just skip it and let the computer simulate it…not that you’d do this as a quarterback on offense but for a runningback it’d be helpful to skip those dang pass plays.

All in all I’d definitely recommend the game if you have any interest in College Football, but if you do you probably know all about it. If you don’t and are lookin for somethin different and new it could be up your alley though. I’ll talk about somethin’ less sporty next time probably Aion or Champions Online but until then I leave you with my favorite song off the new Protomen CD Act II called “The Good Doctor”.

Breedo thinks A. Merica would be the best name ever.

17
Aug
09

Cataclysm confirmed?

Go human hunters!

Go human hunters!

Theres a hefty front page news post on www.mmo-champion.com that entails everything they’ve learned about for the new WoW expansion from their sources. The track record for MMO Champ’s front page is pretty great for this type of thing so it’s definitely more than idle speculation. So what exactly did they break?

Oddly enough the next expansion won’t be directly tied to the Maelstorm like was speculated by most (including me!). It’ll instead be the other idea I mentioned briefly in my original expansion post. Instead of introducing a new island chain, MMO-Champ describes a changed Azeroth torn asunder by a “cataclysm”…fitting.  However, it does seem like the naga and black dragonflight are still the major villains as thought before. Using phasing quest lines and completely changing a few zones causing a cataclysm is very possible…but why this instead of something new?

A large portion of the player base has been asking for a revival of Azeroth or vanilla WoW. I’m not sure how I feel on the matter yet, I need to see more in action but I can see the appeal. It would be great to fight C’thun and some other great old world instances and areas but it’s also a double edged sword as it won’t feel completely new. If they do it right though it won’t need to feel new, it can just feel “changed” which really could be even better than new as instead of doing the same “new continent grind”, you can finally feel as a permanent member of a world thats changing around you. This is something mmo’s have been trying to do for a very long time. If Blizzard manages to nail it it could be pretty spectacular, but I’m slow to believe as it’s never been done before…unless you count the transition between Everquest 1 and EQ 2.

Speaking of the EQ cataclysm this has a very similar feel to it. I didn’t play much of EQ2 but I was quite the avid player of the original. Sony had a very similar event happen between the two games that allowed players to experience a distant future of the lives they lived in EQ1. It almost seems like if Blizzard does go through with this it could be better suited as a complete sequel to WoW, like Sony did with EQ. It’s a lot of work containing all these different events in one game and convincing players they’re still a part of them. Theres a few other problems as well, the major one being with all this phasing how will you group with your friends? For example if you’ve seen part of a cliff explode and crush a town and your friend hasn’t will the two of you be able to do quests together from that town? Or will your friend have to catch up first? Alright so besides the theme, what exactly are the main points that MMO broke?

Well first up is the level cap being raised to 85. This seems like it would bring half the content as the other expansions but in reality I think it allows Blizzard to make more “high end” content, which in actuality is great for most of their player base. The problems with it though are that there will only be 5 talents added in each tree but really it seems like they’re stretched thin on new talent ideas as it is so this was probably coming. It also allows them to slowly inch us up to 100 which has been stated as the eventual game ending cap.

The other major point has been talked about for a few weeks now but they’re confident enough to say that Worgen are going to Alliance and Goblins are going to horde. The Worgen to Alliance is pretty obvious, it brings a beastial orc type race to the allies and fits their needs in the expansion. The Goblin one is a little more of a reach but considering what MMO reported about the catacylsm destroying most of their towns it seems like they’d need to reach out for help once again. If they pull a gnomish style “exiles of steamwheedle” for the horde goblins it would fit fairly easily into the lore. The thing that stuck out to me is the oddly specific part where it mentions Goblins saving Thrall from the Alliance and realizing their place with the Horde because of it. That part is a bit confusing as if the rest of the article is true than Thrall isn’t even going to be leading the Horde anymore but I’ll touch on that a bit later.

multiclassing

Now to a really interesting part. Instead of a new hero class Blizzard is going to allow certain race/class combos that should have probably existed before to work now. Basically they’re adding a few classes to every race. I’ll link the list and under it give my thought on why they’re being added:

Human Hunter: This ones probably the most obvious of them all. Humans hunters are already in the game in various places and really its not a stretch to believe they’re finally added.

Ex. Houndmaster Loksey http://www.wowwiki.com/Ranger http://www.wowwiki.com/Farstrider_Lodge

Orc Mage: Orcs already have warlocks which when it all comes down to it are basically mages corrupted by demon magics. Really theres no reason they shouldn’t already have mages. The most prominent of them would probably be Med’an and this is a perfect chance to introduce him into WoW.

Night Elf Mage: This one seems like it’s out of nowhere but in actuality its not that farfetched. Just take a look at the Shendalar in Dire Maul. They’re still Night Elves although they are Highborne as well and theres no reason they’d be forced to remain in exile, especially during a catastrophe like this.

Ex. Prince Tortheldrin http://www.wowwiki.com/Shen’dralar

Blood Elf Warrior: This is one Blizzard said they wanted at Burning Crusade launch but dropped to include hunters instead. It’s obvious the blood elves would and do have warriors in their society so this is a logical choice. Ex. http://www.wowwiki.com/Silvermoon_City_Guardian

Dwarf Mage: This one was included in the alpha and maybe even beta stages of testing but was dropped before the game was released. The fact is theres tons of dwarven arcane casters spread throughout the world and with such a close connection to gnomes and humans theres no reason they wouldn’t be able to learn.

EX. http://www.wowwiki.com/Sorcerer-thane_Thaurissan

Dwarf Shaman: For the normal Ironforge dwarf this one doesn’t really fit at all but when you take into consideration the Wildhammer dwarf its a very easy solution. These are dwarves that have been at nature for hundreds of years…they’ve found better ways to survive. One of those ways is an appreciation of nature, moreso than any of their brothers before them.

Ex. http://www.wowwiki.com/Wildhammer_Clan

Undead Hunter: If a human can be a hunter than they can keep their abilities even in death. The Forsaken have a few hunter examples but the main one is

http://www.wowwiki.com/Nathanos_Blightcaller

Tauren Paladin: This is by far the most confusing choice. As of now theres really no lore in the game or otherwise that suggests the Tauren have any connection to the Light. What this means is if they are included something will be added much like the Naaru for Blood Elves for the Taurens so that it fits. The main speculation is that it will be a “Sun” tribe who worships the light the sun brings and recieves similar powers as a blood elf, human, or dwarf paladin. This is the only source so far: http://static.mmo-champion.com/mmoc/images/news/2009/august/injuredcolleagues.jpg

Tauren Priest: If the taurens can understand the Light enough to be a paladin it isn’t much of a stretch to believe they can become priests as well. The more gentle natured light worshipping Tauren would fit into this role. Like the Paladin theres no real sources for this.

Gnome Priest: I love this one. It’s something I’ve been waiting for since the beginning of WoW…a gnome healer. Some think it makes no sense for gnomes to use the light but in my mind theres no reason for a curious gnome to not get enamored with the Light like any gets enamored with Arcane magic or Demonology. If this is true I’ll be very happy with it.

EX. http://www.wowwiki.com/Nethergarde_Cleric (various race healer npcs in Blasted Lands that include gnomes)

Troll Druid: With the huge variety of trolls in the world this ones not a far stretch. Theres obviously some trolls who understand nature well enough to use the powers that a druid harnasses. The only problem with it is that the Night Elves probably won’t be so quick to accept them into Moonglade but who’s to say Moonglades even standing after this?

EX http://www.wowwiki.com/Zul’Aman http://www.wowwiki.com/Gundrak

Alright so after going through those it leaves all the sides even on their class distrubution except the Alliance with Druids. This causes many to speculate that Worgens will be able to be Druids which is very odd but it’s probably pretty likely. Maybe the connection to their feral side leads them to the worship of nature or something along that line. It’s not certain of course as it could be left uneven but I doubt that will be the case. Another part of the MMO post states some of the changes the world will experience. Let’s take a look:

  • The Barrens will be split into two separate zones of two different level bands.
  • Azshara will become a low level (~10-20) zone.
  • Some of the zones like the Thousand Needles will be flooded.
  • Durotar is wrecked and apparently Orgrimmar could be destroyed. A new Orc city is rebuilt over the course of the expansion.
  • Gnomeregan will be part of the expansion as well and gnomes might be able to reclaim their capital. (The last part is still unconfirmed)
  • Wailing Caverns will be become a lush tropical area as a result of the druid’s magic.
  • The Blackrock Spire will erupt and a new version of Blackrock Mountains will be available, apparently Ragnaros will be back too.

First off splitting the Barrens, destroying Orgrimmar and making Azshara a low level zone means that the brunt of the destruction will be on the center of Kalimdor. Thousand Needles becoming flooded and Wailing Caverns a lush paradise make me think that a wave will wash over the middle of the continent crushing a huge part of the landmass and taking a large chunk underwater. Azshara as a lowbie zone means to me that this might be where the new Orc capital will be built making Azshara the newbie area for Orcs and Trolls. Gnomeregan being a part of the expansion is huge in my book as I can’t wait to take that city back finally…hopefully for good. Finally Blackrock Spire erupting and the return of Ragnaros sounds neat but I really hope its a completely new set of instances as I can’t see myself doing Molten Core or BRD and having a good time. /shudder

He finally got his PHD!

He finally got his PHD!

No mention of Theramore and Jaina so it seems that her nation is still in tact. Same goes for both Alliance home cities on Kalimdor as they were too far north to be hit by the devastation. It seems like this is a major change for the Horde but other than Gnomer the Alliance won’t see a huge hit to their cities or in a broader sense their lore. Speaking of the lore MMO has revealed that Thrall will give up his position as warchief of the Horde and become The Guardian of Tirisfal. This seems like a major stretch as Thrall has never been anything but a Horde figure however if they do something drastic at the end of Lich King I could see it happening. The part that confuses me though is where he leaves Garrosh in control. I mentioned my dislike of Garrosh before but it’s obvious he’s supposed to be seen as a brash idiot currently and if he’s made Warchief and matched with the “Alliance King” Varian it’s going to be anything but peaceful.

The part that bothers me about Varian is the Alliance is five self contained groups working towards a common goal, they do not have a common “leader”. Making Varian into the spokesperson of the Alliance is a bit ridiculous in my book as any of the faction leaders would have the same sway that he does with their own people, unlike Thrall who holds the power of the entire Horde in his voice. The other thing of note is that it appears Tauren Chief and good friend of Thrall, Cairne Bloodhoof isn’t making it to the next expansion. Apparently he’s outed as a traitor by Garrosh…of all people…who then murders him. I think if this actually happens itll be either that, after Cairnes murder Thrall can’t stop the Horde from slipping into their past ways like he’d hoped by himself and seeks help from the folks of Tirisfal…OR…Thrall leaves Cairne in charge of the Horde, a much more obvious choice than Garrosh…and Garrosh murders him in cold blood to take the title of Warchief that he believes is his.

Either way if this happens the Taurens by all means shouldn’t be friendly with the Horde anymore. It’d be akin to Varian murdering Magni or something (not that that could happen =P). By all accounts the Horde would be in complete upheavel and the Taurens would do the ironic thing and actually become the traitors that Cairne never was and join the Alliance. I don’t see this as likely to happen but it’s what I think would happen if Cairne was murdered by a member of the Horde…at least in my book. Another point I’d like to make out is that currently the Alliance and Horde are about the same in moral ambiguity. They both have their examples of cruelty and heroism and neither is truly evil or truly good. If all of this does come to fruition the Horde will definitely start heading down the darker road. The murder of one of their leaders the destruction of their town and the seat of power handed to an angry child, this is definitely the makings of a brand new war.

The problem is most players who play Horde don’t consider themselves evil. If Blizzard goes down this path it definitely seems they’re trying to make the Horde the evil faction choice which I think is a bad thing. It’s like they’re trying to match WAR which has a very obvious good side and very obvious bad side but I don’t think theres any reason for it. The Horde can evolve on their own without devolving into the savage uncontrollable force they were for years.

Other things of note include revamped dungeons and flying mounts in Azeroth. I mentioned earlier I don’t particularly look forward to doing Molten Core 2.0 myself but if they change it into something new and different I could be swayed. Flying mounts in Azeroth were never that big of a deal to me, you could tell they hadn’t ever planned on it happening so I never let myself believe it’d be patched in or anything. I mean really the amount of time needed for such a minimal change would have been ridiculous to undertake if not for a return to the old zones…which seems to be exactly what this expansion is aiming for. Overall I think flight and revamping can give the player a better connection to the world if they’re done right and not just simple rehashes…cough cough Naxx.

So all in all this expansion concept does show some promise and it’s great to see Blizzard shaking things up a bit. I just hope they can pull through and keep it interesting. I haven’t had that problem yet so here’s hopin’.

Breedo knows that when two suns are shining, the battle becomes blinding.




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